Conservative Bloggers Blow Gaskets; Panties Also Reported To Be in "Bunch"

An ADVOCATE EDITORIAL

Q: Presume, for a moment, the existence of an article whose author terms a recent political scandal "shameless," "contemptible," "deeply contemptible," "deeply offensive," "vicious," "virulent," "low-life," "incoherent," "depraved," "inexplicable," "embarrassing," "senseless," "stupid," "stunning," "stupidly stunning," "unprovoked," "bottomless depravity," and "undignified."

Now, which political scandal would you presume this author was discussing?

The Administration's deceit over the presence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

The Administration's payment of four ostensibly unaffiliated journalists to spread right-wing propaganda?

The Administration's funding of "fake news programs" which appear to be non-partisan, but which are, in fact, again, right-wing propaganda?

The Administration's "outing" of an undercover C.I.A. agent as retribution for comments her husband made which were critical of the Administration?

The Administration's outrageous and partisan spurning of the Clinton North Korea policy, which about-face led to the development of nuclear weapons by that rogue nation?

The Administration's refusal to hold regular press conferences? The awarding of Presidential Medals of Freedom to Administration officials whose stultifying failures in office cost thousands of American and Iraqi lives and hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars?

The Administration's use of gay-baiting and bigotry to win an election? Their drumming up of a false "crisis" in Social Security to finally and terminally gut a civic program they've opposed since its very inception? Their lies about the targeting of their tax cuts? Their dramatic and unnecessary cuts in food stamps and heating for the poor and the elderly? Their politically-motivated opposition to the creation of the Department of Homeland Security and the 9/11 Commission? Their threatening of a government bureaucrat in order to conceal the true cost of their Medicare prescription-drug benefit? The fact that that benefit is a giant giveaway to global pharmaceutical conglomerates?

Their willful refusal to acknowledge human rights violations in China? Their willful refusal to acknowledge voting rights violations in the 2004 presidential election in Ohio, Florida, New Mexico, and elsewhere? Their unwillingness to discuss recently-disclosed "secret tapes" in which the President admits to illegal drug use? Their coverup of Bush's arrests for drunken-driving and possession of cocaine?

A: No, don't be an ass.

It's none of those things.

It's just conservative internet blunderbuss John H. ("The Hindrocket") Hindraker (of Powerline infamy), complaining about "gay activist" John Aravosis and the progressive internet media's coverage of...well, you know, how a gay whore using a false name and pretending to be a journalist managed to subvert ultra-stringent White House security procedures to get within ten feet of a sitting President, while real reporters from real news organizations with real journalistic integrity waited with noses plastered up against the front door of the White House to ask the President an honest question.

You know, no biggie.

Just a garden-level security breach at the White House.

Which, we suppose, benefited the White House tremendously and allowed it to spread two years' worth of propaganda for free (which is unusual, actually, because this Administration typically pays good money to spread its propaganda).

To hear Hindraker tell it (and we really, really do hate to hear him "tell it"; Hindraker, like our News Editor, attended both Dartmouth College and Harvard Law School, and embarrasses each of these two august institutions every time he turns his computer on) Jeff Gannon (or James Daniel Guckert, or James Dale Guckert, or "The Bulldog," or J. Daniels, or whatever) is just:

"[a man using a] pen name";

"trying to make a career for himself as a reporter";

"[a man] stunned by the attack on him";

"[full of] regret";

"pretty eloquent"; and (God, it's too much, really),

"a poor guy who thought he could put his past behind him and pursue a career as a reporter."

[wipes away tear]

Yeah, he's a real softy.

Hey, anyone ever seen Tom Daschle on C-SPAN?

Would you agree with Gannon's published assessment, you know, the one he distributed across the country, which accused Daschle or using "mafia-style intimidation tactics" for political gain?

How about that time (oh man, hilarious!) when "pretty eloquent" Gannon asked a sitting President how in the hell he planned to work with an opposition party "divorced from reality"?

Ooh, he's like Walt Whitman, only gay!

[Hmm. All right, so he's just like Walt Whitman. Who, by the way, is a long-time favorite of ours].

But doth it seem Mr. Hindraker protesteth too much, especially when he accepts Gannon's explanation that "he didn't use a pseudonym to hide his past, but because his real last name is hard to spell and pronounce?"

[So why did he change his first name, too, John? And why did he tell the media he began using a pseudonym when he became a journalist, when (as it turns out) he was using it back in 1999, when he was just a workaday prostitute?].

Oh John, John, John.

John.

At least Gannon is alleged to have charged money to prostitute himself.

And good money, too. So what are you getting out of this, besides a good laugh at the ongoing, almost impossibly-macho audacity of your favorite White House since Reagan's?

Well, certainly it's more than that. Without Gannon (or whatever the hell his name is, let's just call him "the whore who infiltrated the White House under a phony name, using phony professional credentials") how else would you be able to tell John Aravosis (one of your blogging competitors) what you really think of him?

Aravosis, who broke the Gannongate story--and now has a giant John McCain-in-South-Carolina-in-2000 target on his back because of it--is termed by Hindraker "a low-life," "a man for whom the concept of shame has no meaning."

Likewise, his fellow progressive blogger, [former U.S. Army Specialist] Markos Moulitsas Zunigas (or "Kos"), is a "low-life with a web-site."

Okay, so it's time for another question: What's Gannongate really about?

A: "The real issue here is that Democrats believe that Democratic press secretaries should be asked friendly questions, and Republican press secretaries should be asked unfriendly questions."

Oops, sorry. That was Hindraker's answer.

Just a moment, please.

[flush]

Okay, the real answer: Whereas Hindraker contends that The Bulldog (we'll just use his "working" name, for the sake of clarity) was in fact a journalist--actually, Hindraker told CNN's Howard Kurtz, "I don't know what a real journalist is" (we know! we know!)--the fact of the matter is, The Bulldog spent $50 over two days at the conservative diploma-mill which "graduated" Karl Rove to earn his "degree" in journalism.

He was then made White House correspondent for a national "news" operation, despite the fact that he had no published writing samples to show to his employer when he was hired, and indeed hadn't written anything since high school.

The U.S. Senate and U.S. House had already refused to acknowledge him as a "journalist," not because he was incompetent (that little nugget would be discovered later) but because he worked for a fictitious news organization.

That's right, not one but two Houses of Congress (hey! that's all of them!) considered The Bulldog a political operative with connections to the Republican Party of Texas and the National Republican Party, and not a journalist. Even Hindraker grudgingly concedes this (but buries this lede, we think): "[the U.S. Senate credentialing service] did not consider him to be working for a legitimate news organization."

Hmm, yet he got through White House security with the ease most of us take out a library card.

Did the White House ever have doubts? Sure they did. But White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer cleared up those national-security doubts with a single phone call to highly-placed Republican Party of Texas operative Bobby Eberle. You know, the owner of that fictitious "news organization" both Houses of Congress refused to acknowledge.

[The RPT now denies knowing Eberle, though they've given him so many awards in the past. (Sigh). It's really a shame].

Hindraker's explanation for all this? Well, "you don't have to take a test" to be a reporter.

This man went to Dartmouth and Harvard.

Proof that, in this day and age, anyone can, really.

But was The Bulldog an Administration "plant"? I don't know, when they found out he was using an alias and worked for a partisan activist website, did they throw him out of the White House, or water him?

What? They resolved it with a single phone call to another Republican activist?

Oh.

And let him ask one of the coveted few press questions the President will suffer himself to be asked?

Oh.

And Scott McClellan lied to the Washington press corps about whether he had credentialed The Bulldog under Talon News or his blatantly-partisan website, GOPUSA?

Oh.

Then, sure, we guess he was, pretty obviously, a plant.

But what about Hindraker's observation that "if the administration decided to 'plant' a journalist to ask friendly questions, [don't you think] they could come up with someone with a bit more distinguished pedigree?"

Your first good point, John!

So, which of the following two options would you like to choose:

A. The Bush Administration, which is the governmental outfit presumably keeping us from suffering a nuclear holocaust tomorrow, is so lax in securing the personal safety of the President that they unknowingly and unwittingly allowed a gay prostitute using a false name and posing as a journalist to get within ten feet of a sitting U.S. President (memo to The Rocket: prostitution is a crime); or

B. The Bush Administration, which ran on "moral values" and the second-class citizenship status of homosexuals, has some obscure reason to be "okay" with the fact that The Bulldog is a gay whore: like, he's blackmailing them, or balling the hell out of someone high up in the White House.

Hurry, you have ten seconds. Choose one, please.

Oh, dammit--did we forget to mention the White House might have leaked confidential C.I.A. memos to this gay prostitute posing as a journalist?

We always forget the good stuff.

Well, anyway, it's probably not such a big deal, you know, treason to the United States, given that (as Johnny Rocket explains it) "Ms. Plame was last seen posing for Vanity Fair in a 'spy' outfit, [so] I don't think we're on the trail of an espionage breakthrough here."

Hmm.

So, while it's true we often forget things, we certainly won't forget to say this: Hindraker, you're no journalist, nor do you have The Bulldog's saving grace of being "pretty eloquent" (or, for that matter, we imagine, looking so damn muscular in your birthday suit).

And for our "source" on that intel (re: you as "no journalist") we quote, well, you: "Gannon's White House access: why is that an issue?"

And you again: "[Gannon] never attacked the gay community." [Good Lord! Have you read his work? I mean, Jesus Christ, we had to sift through it, why didn't you?].

And, again, one last time, you: "What is the evidence for the proposition that the [Bush Administration] White House would deny access to a reporter who was once a gay escort?"

[Pause].

[Please review that last sentence one more time, gentle readers].

[Then wait five seconds].

[Then read it again].

Then consider the following after-the-fact evidence which suggests (as we say in the law, don't we, John?) "consciousness of guilt": GOPUSA's spokeswoman says she won't discuss Jeff Gannon with the press; GOPUSA founder Bobby Eberle won't discuss Jeff Gannon with the press; GOPUSA and Talon News have inexplicably wiped all Jeff Gannon material from their respective websites; Jeff Gannon has (it seems, wholly unnecessarily) shut down his own website and wiped all its content; the Republican Party of Texas has denied knowing prominent Republican activist Eberle, despite the fact that he's been on their committees and won awards from them; John Thune, Republican Senator, has hired for his Washington staff the South Dakota blogger (and apparent Gannon cohort) he paid off when he was a candidate; and Scott McClellan, Ari Fleischer, and even (through McClellan) President Bush have all denied know Eberle, despite the fact that Eberle served on the Board of Directors of a Texas foundation with Bush and was a Texas Delegate to Bush's presidential nomination at the 2000 RNC Convention in Philadelphia.

Other than that, everything looks copacetic.

So, good work, Rocket.

Maybe you should stick to the Food Channel?